Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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