There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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