community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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