new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
