grandma shit on top of the toilet
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
