it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
