You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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