I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
