a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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