Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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