Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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