She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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