Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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