finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
