Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
