The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
