She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
