Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
