I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
