Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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