I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
