Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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