my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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