Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
