I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
