Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
