I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
