pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
