FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
