Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
