break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
home. puking in laundry basket.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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