Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
