i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
