How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
