i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When are your genitals available?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
