I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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