I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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