I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
