I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
