I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
