Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
