so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
