hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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