I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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