At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize