I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
