I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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