Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
