I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
