And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
