Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
